Welcome...Sorry You Have To Be Here.

Mr. Bennington welcomes you to his private dread. Slightly autistic and consumed by an inordinate fear of the mundane, Mr. Bennington offers unique insights into matters most people don't care about. In fact, it's difficult to say why, exactly, Mr. Bennington is at all interesting, meaningful, or worthy of an audience. But sometimes, just sometimes, he makes you think. And that's where the problems start. To his own chagrin, Mr. Bennington often points out unpleasant characteristics in things most people consider inherently pleasant. In doing so, Mr. Bennington is usually to blame for harshing the mellow of others.

Mr. Bennington's work experience is uncertain and seldom talked about at parties. He has tended bar, sold things to people, been a successful private investigator, and narrowly escaped prolonged government service (he worked as a field investigator for the Postal Service in the Dead Letters Office); but first and foremost Mr. Bennington is a professional writer. His career has been one of receiving money for looking into things and then writing about them.

He also reserves email addresses like god@whateverisp.com or santaclaus@yoohoo.org so that he can respond to the silly emails children and the addle-minded send to such beings. Mr. Bennington believes the key to immortality lies in haunting the dreams and memories of others. While disturbing to rational people, Mr. Bennington thinks of the practice as satorial foreplay, fondling the nipples of nirvana.

Mr. Bennington began his writing career in the nineties composing titles for an offshore haiku greeting card company. Just the titles. Not the poems. Among his most accomplished and lauded titles are "Haiku with title too long to convey the meaning of its lacking verse" and "Haiku for the creatures that frolic or die in a McDonald's parking lot."

It is rumored that the select few who enjoy Mr. Bennington's confidence and company have at cocktail parties heard him recite the original haiku verse he wrote to accompany these legendary titles. Witnesses often describe the experience as being "pleasured physically by words."

It is also said that upon the conclusion of each reading, virgins cry.